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Doing Right by Queers Dealing with Violence
Posted: Nov 11, 2009 | Comment
My roommates Chuy and Ramón used to laugh whenever any one of us played the soundtrack from the movie Car Wash on the stereo that belonged to Ramón. We would cackle at the story Ramón told of the how the stereo came into his life. It always began with Ramón saying, “Dallas hated that album! Girl, I’ve had to buy that thing a few times!”
Ramón told how the first album met its demise as the three of us sat in our tiny living room swatting at mosquitoes, trying to keep the Texas heat at bay. Dallas, Ramón’s ex-boyfriend, smashed it in a fit of rage.
“I put on the album, turned up the volume and told him to go ahead and shoot; I was tired of all of his drama,” continued Ramón, swishing his drink in one hand and putting the cigarette to his mouth with the other. “He had that gun in his hand and just before he pulled the trigger, he aimed at the stereo that was right behind me,” said Ramón, the laughter making him throw his head back. With the apology that followed, Dallas bought Ramón a new stereo. The guilt stereo we called it.
We laughed every time we heard the story. We should have been horrified that Ramón had almost been killed, but all we could do was laugh.
This was in the early 1980s. I had just come out as a lesbian and found myself living with two gay Chicano activists. We railed against military intervention in Central and South America, embarked on Cuban solidarity trips, and went on to help organize the Austin Latino/a Lesbian Gay Organization. But we never gave the violence that we saw happening in our relationships a second thought. Like the violence aimed at us for being queer, it was just something we managed.
I’ve been out and actively involved in queer movements for liberation for nearly thirty years; I’ve met a LOT of people. Only a handful have not had to manage violence at the hands of an intimate partner; several fought back tooth and nail; and some went on to hurt subsequent partners. A large number came close to losing their lives. Few have talked about their experience. Not one called a domestic violence program, queer where it was available or otherwise, to ask for help.
I am not a researcher; I have no quantifiable and verifiable data to point to as I think about advocacy on behalf of folks who identify as queer, questioning, trans, bi, lesbian, intersex, or gay. There are very few studies or surveys to document these realities.
The only thing I have to work with is my own heart-breaking experience of supporting people I’ve dated or the friends who I call family as they manage the effects of that violence—in the brand of isolation that surviving anti-queer violence breeds. In short, I can only speak for myself.
I was an advocate for over seven years on the National Hotline. I love and deeply appreciate my fellow advocates on the Hotline and at programs around the country; they are my greatest teachers and supporters. Domestic violence programs do outstanding work against tremendous odds. I know that if I were ever to become involved in an abusive relationship, I would not seek help through a domestic violence program, queer or otherwise as my first step. In that regard, I am no different from the majority of the 20,000 callers to the Hotline.
I would likely call my family first, camp out in their homes with my dogs, and burn up my advocate friend’s cell phone minutes.
When I did call for help, I would want the advocate to have an understanding of the ‘flavor’ and context of violence I would be experiencing as a lesbian.
The Northwest Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse does an excellent job of explaining those dynamics beyond the power and control wheel so many advocates are now used to. The information can be found at nwnetwork.org.
Communities United Against Violence shaped their program around an analysis of violence that accounts for the complexities of living in a violent society. Their analysis can be found at cuav.org.
I would want to understand some of my basic legal rights, including whether or not I would be eligible for a protective order. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Projects has analyzed state statutes; though dated, this information would still be helpful:
I would want the advocate to put a check on their own feelings about lesbians and the rest of us queers. This recent article written by a fundamentalist Christian was eye-opening even to me, and like I said, I’ve been around for a while!
Lastly, I would want that advocate to understand their own experience of bearing witness to trauma. I would want them to be completely present for me. I would need them to be well-rested, well-nourished and self-aware. This book on Trauma Stewardship is a good, thoughtful resource.
I felt a dozen hands on my back as I wrote this blog entry; I am indebted to the people who shaped my perspective by sharing their stories with me. I heard their laughter, their sighs, or the whispered remnants of their stories as I typed. To those, like Ramón, who are no longer alive, I say, “que en paz descansen.” To those, whose hands I still hold and whose stories I am still learning, I say, “milésimas gracias.”
By Lucha
No One Is A Stereotype: How Survivors Inspire Each Other
Posted: Oct 16, 2009 | Comment
Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir of domestic violence. She is also a member of the National Domestic Violence Hotline Celebrity Board. In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, she has the the following words of inspiration to share with all of you:
In Crazy Love, my memoir about domestic violence, I wrote:
For a long time after I left Conor, I struggled with how I fit our society’s stereotype of an abused woman. Exactly why and how had I lost myself to a man who I was intelligent enough to see was destroying me? I kept silent during cocktail party debates about why women stayed in violent relationships. I walked away after the inevitable pronouncement that women who let themselves be abused are weak, uneducated, self-destructive, powerless. I fit none of these stereotypes. I never met a battered woman who did.
Since Crazy Love was published and a YouTube video was posted last March, I’ve gotten hundreds of emails from readers. A grandmother who left her abuser 47 years ago. Several teenaged girls, one who writes me every week about how hard it has been to leave her boyfriend and see him with other girls. Ivy League graduates. Eloquent, effusive writers. Readers who have trouble spelling and typing properly – but have no trouble telling their story. International diplomats. Doctors’ wives – and doctors. Gay men abused by their partners. Straight men abused by their wives. Husbands seeking to understand their wives’ prior experiences with abuse. Police officers. Therapists.
I have yet to get an email from a stereotype. Because they don’t exist. We survivors may have a lot in common, but none of us is a stereotype. Stereotypes can be used to demean, blame and marginalize victims. The only stereotype worth promulgating pertains to the pattern of abuse – not the faces, ages, income levels or ethnicities of victims. The New Jersey-based Rachel Coalition offers an excellent brochure outlining victims’ legal rights, and they use the following stereotype to define abuse:
Domestic violence is the physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse of one person by another with whom there is a relationship. Abusers use violence and threats of violence to gain power and control over their partners. Violence is never appropriate. Domestic violence can range from verbal harassment to homicide.
Now that is a stereotype I can embrace.
I love it when I open my email screen and discover another note from a stranger whom I know is also a friend. The headlines often read something like “You Told My Story” or “Now I Don’t Feel Ashamed or Alone.” The emails are never short. Usually, they read like a book themselves, or at least a wonderfully long telephone conversation between old friends. When people give permission, I share their stories on my website as part of The Crazy Love Project, which is dedicated to connecting and empowering survivors.
Abuse – and stereotypes – thrive only in silence and ignorance. Fellow abuse survivors inspire me, tell my story back to me, and reassure me that I have no reason to feel ashamed or alone. Most of all, you make me feel like I’m a person, not a stereotype. Thank you to everyone who has heard my story – and told me yours.
The Pledge
Posted: Oct 1, 2009 | Comment
“Become Inspired—you never know when someone will become inspired by your courage to make a difference.”
In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I would like to honor the amazing life-saving work being done on behalf of women, teens, children and men who are experiencing violence in their relationships. All across the nation domestic violence advocates, volunteers, friends, families, co-workers, and individuals are extending their hearts and hands to help those in extraordinarily dangerous circumstances from someone who claims to love them. I continue to be inspired by the dedication and commitment to end violence in our communities.
I am writing this piece to encourage all of you to find your passion and inspiration! To encourage you to use it to keep making a difference in the world. Many are called to make a difference as I am in my daily work but I had help getting here. Her name is Rochelle and she is my sister. Rochelle has been my inspiration working to end violence against women for the last 25 years. Rochelle (pictured second from the left with sisters Chris, Laurie and myself) has overcome many obstacles, an abusive marriage for eight years, which at its most violent she once felt like taking her own life to get free of the situation. She endured economic poverty which had her working three jobs as a result of her husband’s choice to drag her through an extended legal battle and bankruptcy, all the while being a wonderful mother to a young daughter. She is a self confident, smart, amazing woman who has developed into the most perfect monarch. She went through the metamorphosis from victim to survivor to the whole beautiful woman she was and is meant to be. Her triumph over this tragedy continues to be my inspiration when I am tired or feel weary. My most proud moment was when she spoke of her personal story for the first time at the White House reception upon the 10th Anniversary of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It took courage to leave her desperate situation then and she has pushed through her own challenges to now be courageous in helping other women in shelters and in her workplace to believe in their dreams and to reach their goals. I continue to be grateful for her being alive today to share her story with others and be my muse. I love you Rochelle, and I, like my other sisters, continue our pledge to end violence against women.
If someone inspires you, consider making a donation in their honor
Join me in sharing your story of inspiration
Join our online community working to end violence
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Peace,
Sheryl Cates
Chief Executive Officer
National Domestic Violence Hotline
Crime Victims Board finally acknowledging Domestic Violence Victims in New York State
Posted: Sep 23, 2009 | Comment
The following entry is written by Maria Phelps. Maria is a survivor and blogger. She uses her website http://4survivors.blogspot.com/ to share her personal experience with DV, address current DV issues and advocate for victims’ rights.
Crime Victims Board finally acknowledging Domestic Violence Victims in New York State
There is good news for domestic violence victims in the state of New York filing claims with Crime Victims Board (CVB), a state program that compensates victims of crime. After making one complaint after another, and suggesting the CVB open up a specialized DV unit to handle DV claims, I was given information today suggesting that CVB may actually address the concerns I have raised for all DV victims. As per the Director of Rockland Family Shelter, “Commissioner Stanford also shared that she has convened a meeting with board members, council and medical staff about your case and to address the concerns that you have raised facing victims of domestic violence obtaining the necessary documentation to receive benefits”.
After spending half the year fulfilling CVB’s requests, some requests have been ridiculous and impossible to obtain, I find myself at a point where I can no longer obtain certain bits of information from doctors for my claim. Most recently, when CVB requested I get a physician’s statement from my orthopedic surgeon stating 100% of my injury was due to abuse, my hands were tied and my claim was put on hold. As I explained to the Senator’s office, many victims of DV do not report the abuse to medical staff, doctors, or even police out of fear. In my case, I will never be able to obtain a physician’s statement from my doctors claiming that my husband broke my leg, because at the time I was in fear of my life and in the constant presence of my abuser. The best statement I have from one of my physicians is “patient broke left leg while at home with husband”….this is not cutting it. For many victims of DV, there are documents that we simply cannot obtain due to the circumstances and it is unjust for CVB to deny, put on hold, or string DV victims around with impossible requests.
If you are a victim of domestic violence and have a claim with the CVB in your state, please make sure you bring any impossible requests to their attention. This is an issue that needs to be addressed on a national level with all Crime Victims Programs across the country, not just in NY–although I’m glad CVB is starting to take some action in NY. Programs for victims need to take into account the fact that domestic violence is a highly complex crime, and victims don’t always report or have complete files/documentation due to their unique situations. As for CVB, this meeting with the staff will be a move in the right direction, but in the near future, there needs to be a specialized DV unit working on these specific claims, making sure that no victim falls through the cracks of the system.
By Maria Phelps
Rihanna/Chris Brown: Ending Violence Against Women and Girls
Posted: Sep 4, 2009 | Comment
The following blog entry was written by Kevin Powell who is a writer, activist, and author or editor of nine books. His 10th book, Open Letters To America, will be published in October 2009. Open Letters To America includes the essay “Open Letter to An American Woman,” a long meditation on domestic violence, female resiliency in the face of sexism and marginalization, and women’s leadership. A native of Jersey City, NJ, Kevin is a long-time resident of Brooklyn, NY, where he ran for Congress in 2008. He can be reached at contact@kevinpowell.net, or you can visit his website, www.kevinpowell.net
Rihanna/Chris Brown: Ending Violence Against Women and Girls (The Remix)
Writer’s note:
Given all the hype and controversy around Chris Brown’s beating of Rihanna, I feel compelled to post this essay I originally wrote in late 2007, so that some of us can have an honest jump off point to discuss male violence against females, to discuss the need for ownership of past pains and traumas, to discuss the critical importance of therapy and healing. Let us pray for Rihanna, first and foremost, because no one deserves to be beaten, or beaten up. No one. And let us also pray that Chris Brown gets the help he needs by way of long-term counseling and alternative definitions of manhood rooted in nonviolence, real love, and, alas, real peace. And let us not forget that Rihanna and Chris Brown happen to be major pop stars, hence all the media coverage, blogs, etc. Violence against women and girls happen every single day on this planet without any notice from most of us. Until we begin to address that hard fact, until we all, males and females alike, make a commitment to ending the conditions that create that destructive behavior in the first place, it will not end any time soon. There will be more Rihannas and more Chris Browns.
In my recent travels and political and community work and speeches around the country, it became so very obvious that many American males are unaware of the monumental problems of domestic violence and sexual assault, against women and girls, in our nation. This seems as good a time as any to address this urgent and overlooked issue. Why is it that so few of us actually think about violence against women and girls, or think that it’s our problem? Why do we go on believing it’s all good, even as our sisters, our mothers, and our daughters suffer and a growing number of us participate in the brutality of berating, beating, or killing our female counterparts?
All you have to do is scan the local newspapers or ask the right questions of your circle of friends, neighbors, or co-workers on a regular basis, and you’ll see and hear similar stories coming up again and again. There’s the horribly tragic case of Megan Williams, a 20-year-old West Virginia woman, who was kidnapped for several days. The woman’s captors forced her to eat rat droppings, choked her with a cable cord and stabbed her in the leg while calling her, a Black female, a racial slur, according to criminal complaints. They also poured hot water over her, made her drink from a toilet, and beat and sexually assaulted her during a span of about a week, the documents say. There’s the woman I knew, in Atlanta, Georgia, whose enraged husband pummeled her at home, stalked her at work and, finally, in a fit of fury, stabbed her to death as her six-year-old son watched in horror. There’s the woman from Minnesota, who showed up at a national male conference I organized a few months back with her two sons. She had heard about the conference through the media, and was essentially using the conference as a safe space away from her husband of fifteen years who, she said, savagely assaulted her throughout the entire marriage. The beatings were so bad, she said, both in front of her two boys and when she was alone with her husband that she had come to believe it was just a matter of time before her husband would end her life. She came to the conference out of desperation, because she felt all her pleas for help had fallen on deaf ears. (more…)
Lost Faith, Abused, Raped, and Hopeless…
Posted: Aug 12, 2009 | Comment
The following blog entry was written by survivor Ren R. Royal, author of Lost Faith to Living Faith. Click here for more information on the book or to purchase a copy.
LOST FAITH, ABUSED, RAPED, AND HOPELESS…
There were many times when I suffered from the corrupt evils that exist in the world. I am a victim of rape, abuse and violence.
For several years I was without a car and had to walk everywhere through all kinds of weather. At that time, there was no bus transportation where I lived. I lived in a very bad part of town. I had to walk to the laundromat a couple miles to do the laundry. I disliked going to the laundromat; clothes seemed to always get stolen the minute you turned around. As I walked to the laundromat one day, a car drove by. Several men with weapons, knives, and a gun got out of the car and raped me, beat me, put me in the trunk of a car, and then threw me in a ditch to die.
During such horrific times, it is difficult to feel God’s prevailing love. It is difficult to call out to God or cling to God’s Word. My heart did not feel God’s presence or help during the time of attack. The power of sin had its hold over me. I needed human embrace, comfort, and a shoulder to cry on. I suffered alone and became lost in my own pain.
This is just one story out of the five times I have been raped and/or brutally beaten. These traumatic violations tore at me physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. Life on Earth became unbearable. I wanted to die and be with God in heaven where there was no more pain. I wanted the pain to end. My only peace came through prayers of death to God.
I was ignorant and did not know shelters even existed at the time; however, at the time I felt so hopeless and in such pain that I did not care anyway.
Unfortunately statistics are high in rape, violence, and abuse, and most go unreported. One sexual assault occurs every 127 seconds, or about one every two minutes. Sexual assault is the most under reported crime, with 60 percent still being left unreported. Fifteen out of 16 attackers walk free.
My tears of pain have fallen for years, unseen tears left hidden in the darkness. At the time, I had no friends or support, no shoulder to cry on, no person to call, and no hug or smile to hold on to.
I later discovered that no matter how great our pain is, God’s love is even greater. And then I wrote a book about it – Lost Faith to Living Faith by Ren R. Royal.
Dating Abuse
Posted: Jul 17, 2009 | Comment
The following blog entry was written by Emily Toothman. She graduated from The University of Texas in 2005. She is now 26 years old, working as a Program Specialist at The National Domestic Violence Hotline. In February of 2007, she had the honor of answering the first call to the loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline.
I was 19, a student in my second year at college, when I met the man of my dreams in one of my classes. He was tall, blonde, blue-eyed, and All-American — with a smooth demeanor and a knack for saying all the right things. He treated me like a princess. Gifts, surprise visits to my dorm room and classes, frequent phone calls to see where I was and how I was doing. He told me he loved me within the first month of our relationship, and he wanted to be near me all the time. On our first anniversary, he surprised me with a candlelit dinner in a house overlooking the lake. I was living the fairy tale that every little girl is taught to dream.
But then, two weeks after our first anniversary, I found him in bed with an ex-girlfriend. I immediately broke up with him. It was only then that I began to truly see his controlling nature.
I started to see him everywhere I went. He showed up to my classes and sat two rows behind me. I caught glimpses of him walking a couple paces behind me on campus. Pretty soon, he started calling my cell phone constantly, leaving up to twenty voice messages a day begging me to reconsider our relationship. When I started hanging out with other guys, he would follow me and leave threatening notes under the windshield wipers on my car. My professors started to confide in me that “my boyfriend” had told them about my “drug problem.”
I returned home one evening after going to a meeting on campus, and he was on my doorstep. He was drunk, and he was angry. As his anger escalated, he began to shove me around and pin me by my neck against my front door, smashing empty beer bottles against the corner of the building and holding the shattered glass up to my face. He had simply snapped. I escaped to a friend’s house an hour later with a broken rib, a sprained wrist, a black eye, and bruises from head to toe.
Following the first attack, I took some self-defense lessons from a friend of mine who was a black-belt in karate. I stayed with some friends so that I didn’t have to go back to my apartment alone. I felt like everyone was looking at me, even though I had carefully caked on make-up to cover the bruises. It took me days to build up the courage to leave the apartment to go to class. I was terrified, and I felt more alone than ever. Though I have always been close to my parents, I refused to tell them. I felt that they would be hurt, worried – or worse – disappointed in how I’d handled the situation. My friends, though they tried to be supportive, had a hard time even believing what was happening.
A week later, he confronted me again. This time, he was sober, and it was in broad daylight in the center of campus. He once again pinned me to the wall, but this time he threatened me with a butterfly knife to my jugular. Students would walk by and stare, but not one interfered. I struggled with him for close to a quarter of an hour, and finally, I managed to kick his knee backwards. It broke. As he was writhing on the ground, I used my cell phone to call the police. A week later, he would break bail and leave the country. I would never see him again.
The experience did change me – sometimes for the worse, but (I hope) mostly for the better. I had to struggle with fear, anger, depression, insomnia, and even nausea. I had to mend the breach of trust that my parents felt when they found out about my situation after the fact. I’ve had to fight to break down my defensive walls, so that I could be less guarded in my romantic relationships and less cautious in my friendships. It has not been easy.
But — to be completely honest with you – I wouldn’t change a moment of my experience for anything in the world. It shook me to the core. It created a passion in me for justice and peace, and it led me down a path that I would have never expected. It led me here, to the National Domestic Violence Hotline. I will always remember, with the highest gratitude, the role that my experience has allowed me to play in reaching out to survivors.
Dating abuse is a reality for many, many teens across this country — a terrifying, overwhelming reality that is largely hidden and ignored. I wish that I had known at the time what I know now, thanks to the work of the National Domestic Violence Hotline and the loveisrespect, National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline: I am not alone. I am not the only one to have experienced what I experienced, and I am not the only one who has decided to turn those experiences into positive changes for others like me. I am very honored to be a part of such an amazing generation of young people who will start the conversation about dating abuse, and who will change the realities of young people across the nation.
By Emily Toothman
Please visit loveisrespect.org for resources on teen dating abuse or to chat with a peer advocate. If chat is unavailable, call 1-866-331-9474 or 1-866-331-8453 TTY. loveisrespect has recently been called on for its expert guidance by the popular soap opera General Hospital for a teen dating abuse storyline. The storyline will air today, Friday July 17th and a PSA will air directly following the program.
Chris Brown Guilty Plea
Posted: Jul 1, 2009 | Comment
The following entry is written by New York Times best selling author and NDVH Celebrity Board member Leslie Morgan Steiner.
Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about domestic violence, and the anthology Mommy Wars. She writes a weekly column for Mommy Track’d. To share your story as part of the Crazy Love Project, visit the author’s website at www.lesliemorgansteiner.com.
Chris Brown Guilty Plea
The Los Angeles County district attorney’s proceedings against musician Chris Brown for his alleged Grammy-eve assault of Robyn R. Fenty, more commonly known as the pop singer Rihanna, ended surprisingly gently last Monday given the five-month media frenzy that has surrounded the couple. Brown pled guilty and was sentenced to five years of probation and 1,400 hours of community service (cnn.com). Rihanna’s silence, however, has baffled and frustrated fans, prosecutors, and advocates within the domestic violence community. The horrific post-assault photo of the 21-year-old’s cut and bruised face, supposedly leaked by the Los Angeles police department, showed bruises across the singer’s face and head. Police statements describe Brown biting Rihanna and repeatedly threatening to kill her (cnn.com).
But Rihanna never called the police. She did not request a restraining order. She did not file a complaint. She did not testify against the man who assaulted her. She has never spoken publicly about the assault.
I understand why Rihanna has been so quiet.
I was sure I loved the man who abused me for four years, a brilliant, troubled Wall Street trader I met on the New York subway a few months after I graduated from Harvard (YouTube.com). The assault that ended our marriage took place nearly 20 years ago, but I too stayed silent because I wanted to protect my abuser, even after I knew he was capable of killing me. I was in shock, terrified, and broken physically and psychologically. Like Rihanna, I wanted the whole ugly mess to be invisible.
We hear a lot about domestic violence’s grim statistics, as we should. According to The Family Violence Prevention Fund, three women are murdered in this country every day by intimate partners, and over five million women are assaulted each year. More than 50% of people who abuse their partners also abuse their children. In the months since Rihanna and Brown dominated the headlines, in my community alone there have been four murders, including two children killed by their father and a 19-year-old girl murdered by her boyfriend. As a society, we need these numbers as evidence of the terrible cost we pay for tolerating domestic violence in our country and around the world.
What we need even more: to abandon our misguided expectations that it’s up to domestic victims to prosecute their abusers and to speak out publicly about the trauma they’ve suffered.
It is obviously unrealistic to expect batterers to make incriminating confessions. It is equally impractical to require Rihanna or any other battered women, immediately following a vicious assault, to prosecute a lover or family member. It’s bizarre that our society and criminal justice system expect women to do so. Family violence incidents must be investigated and prosecuted by local police and district attorneys – not victims. In order to break the cycle of violence, victims need this kind of aggressive intervention to free us to find our own happy endings.
Like most victims, there was no way I was strong enough to stand up for myself against the person who had seduced, manipulated, and terrorized me for years. The police left without cataloguing my injuries or pressing charges against my husband. Having survived the most brutal attack of my life at the hands of a man I loved, I did not have the ability to absorb what had happened, much less document the evidence and press charges myself. I barely had the courage to file a restraining order; filing charges against my ex-husband was beyond comprehension. Even though he deserved it. Even though I craved protection and justice.
Three years after I left my abusive husband, then-Senator Joseph Biden successfully championed the landmark Violence Against Women Act through Congress. Nearly $2 billion has been allocated since then to raise awareness of the problems and costs of intimate partner violence, rape and sexual abuse against women; to fund physical, legal and emotional support to victims; and to train police and judicial officers who prosecute offenders. VAWA is up for renewal in 2010, championed by Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont and a plethora of bipartisan supporters and advocates.
I wish police had treated my apartment as a crime scene the last night I was beaten by my ex-husband, documenting the abuse and pressing charges. Advocates needed to do for me what I could not do for myself. The pursuit of justice would have benefitted me – immediately — and our society over time by taking domestic violence seriously.
And if police had taken a photo, I’d still have it today — as a harsh warning of the dangers of abusive love.
Right in front of that photo, I’d place one of me now – smiling, surrounded by my second husband and three young children, without bruises or scars to hide. Another kind of evidence – that victims can survive domestic violence and go on to rebuild our lives. All we need is a little help.
By Leslie Morgan Steiner
Domestic Violence Training in Hospitals
Posted: Jun 16, 2009 | Comment
The following entry is written by Maria Phelps. Maria is a survivor and blogger. She uses her website http://4survivors.blogspot.com/ to share her personal experience with DV, address current DV issues and advocate for victims’ rights. Maria was kind enough to give us permission to reprint her latest entry and share it with you all.
Domestic Violence Training in Hospitals
Two years ago I was brought into St. Lukes Hospital in Orange County NY for a severely injured left leg. I was carried in on a stretcher by EMTs, followed by my abuser. I was given a room and got immediate attention by the staff, and the team of medical personnel did a wonderful job in stabilizing me and taking care of my injured body. With my abuser at my side, I was asked questions by the staff members, questions like “how did this happen?”. My husband answered for me, naturally, he wanted to hide the abuse and conceal the truth. I was afraid, in shock, and immobile, and I lied that night in the ER. For a few moments, I was taken out of my small hospital room and was wheeled off to get X-rays. I was alone, finally. Nurses tried to make conversation with me and asked what had happened, and I told them “my husband did this to me”. The conversation was over at that point, and everyone became uncomfortable. I got my X-rays not too long after the conversation and found that I had three breaks in my left leg, and I needed surgery. I went home with my abuser that night.
Today was court. Today I was prepared for a trial for my order of protection in Rockland County NY, under Judge Christopher. While preparing for my trial, I realized that the way a scene of a domestic violence crime is handled by law enforcement and medical personnel is critical for the victim. In my case, I was never once separated from my abuser the day of the injury, not when the police arrived, and not when I got into the ER. This changed everything. I was too afraid to tell the truth about what had happened to me to the officers when the injury took place, and I was too afraid to tell my Dr. what happened to me at the hospital because my abuser was hovering over me the whole time. My abuser was at my side the entire night, helping the police file a false police report, his version, and telling the Dr. that my injury was a result of “playing around/wrestling”. Looking back on this situation, both at my home with the police and at the hospital, I’ve realized that had the hospital staff been trained in recognizing the signs of DV, my case against my abuser would have been stronger today. It is critical to have accurate accounts of what happened at the scene of any violent crime, especially DV crimes, because too often, battered women are too afraid to report abuse to the police. In my case, even though I sustained severe injuries, there are no reports stating that the injuries stemmed from abuse. Thankfully, I did file an amended police report about the abuse at a later date, but I was lucky.
Although the scene of my domestic violence incident was not handled properly, I was still prepared for court today. I was prepared to tell my story of brutal violence, and I was prepared to tell the whole truth, nothing but the truth. I was prepared to explain why I couldn’t tell the police the real story that day, and I was prepared to explain why I couldn’t tell my Dr. the real story either. The truth is, I was never left alone with any member of law enforcement and I was never left alone with my Dr. long enough to tell the truth that night. When I arrived at court, I was ready to give my testimony and I was ready and eager to hear my husband’s testimony. But, I never got to testify because my abuser consented to the permanent restraining order and I was able to walk out of court today with my order of protection (1 year OP).
Although I was able to get my order of protection, I am still disturbed about something. Today I phoned St. Lukes Hospital in Newburgh NY and asked to speak with someone in the hospital that would know about staff member domestic violence training. I am certain that there are hospitals in Ulster County, Rockland County, and Westchester County that have local shelters train hospital staff members about recognizing the signs of violence. But after I asked the question, no one knew of any “DV training” in the hospital, and I wasn’t surprised considering I was a victim of violence and no one saw the signs two years ago when I was brought in on a stretcher. So, I left a message with the Education Department and I emailed my question directly to the hospital. I am waiting for a reply, but this is an issue I want to address. It is critical for victims of domestic violence to have at least one accurate record about the abuse on the day of the injury. These documents are critical for the courts and hospitals should be trained to recognize the signs of abuse and they should be following a protocol, possibly making a confidential DV file for the patient, and giving victims safety plans.
By Maria Phelps
Hope, Help, Heartfelt Thanks
Posted: Jun 2, 2009 | Comment
The following entry is written by Regan Martin, survivor and subject of a blog post we featured a few weeks ago dealing with GPS tracking written by her mother Cherry Simpson. This is a follow up to that story and reveals new developments in her case.
Hope, Help, Heartfelt Thanks
I am a survivor of spousal rape and abuse. Lost, alone and repeatedly victimized and dehumanized by the system is how my I felt for the three years I have struggled through the system. I have received help from shelters, advocates, and even gotten media attention but it has been extremely hard on me, I lost my home, I have spent over $22,000 on attorney fees, relocation fees, and countless hours in court. It seemed hopeless and without end. I hated the thought of how my children and I could live like this any longer.
Then in November 2008 Rachel Sandal Morse became my friend, advocate and pro bono [Latin, For the public good] attorney she helped the prosecution in the goal of holding the offender accountable and me and my children, from any future harm. My mother had written a letter asking for help from the Cindy Bischof Foundation. Harvard Law Professor Diane Rosenfeld contacted an ex-student with the firm of Jenner and Block in Chicago, IL.
Rachel first acted on my behalf as my attorney during the criminal prosecution of the 3rd (13 counts) and 4th (3 counts) violation’s of OP. Rachel made the court more bearable; she made me comfortable and spoke for me better than anyone ever had. Words can’t describe how she changed everything. She was my communicator, my navigator, my rescuer, and gave me hope when I thought I had none. She was so gracious and knowledgeable. She made everyone want to do a better job. She helped mend the huge gaping hole of misunderstanding and uncaring felt between the system and the victim. She turned it all around so smoothly, so kindly. She helped my children and me more than anyone else ever has.
Don’t give up hope, my abuser is in prison now and I have some sense of peace until his release on 1/2/2011. I am continuing to fight and I have an active order of protection even though he is in prison. He has stalked me since 2006. I have asked a federal prosecutor to do a Federal Stalking Threshold Analysis.
Don’t be afraid to ask for legal help with your domestic violence case. There are people out there willing to serve and help others. I thank God for them.
Recently my mother wrote about the use of the GPS on my abuser and how it helped to save our lives. Because she shared my story a representative from Justice for Children came forward and offered to help me with the visitation family court problems still looming over us.
I will do all I can to keep my children and myself safe.
Don’t be afraid to share your story. Asking for help is good. Helping others helps you.
By Regan Martin