Welcome to the NDVH Survivors’ Blog

Every couple of weeks we will post a new blog entry by one of our many wonderful guest bloggers. We invite you to post your comments and discuss issues openly. We are committed to maintaining a positive, caring, non-judgmental environment and allowing open and honest discussions to take place. We will only step in as moderators if there are violations of our Terms of Use and Community Guidelines. Please read them both carefully. If you have any questions, feel free to contact one of our moderators.

Domestic Violence and Immigration

Posted: Mar 11, 2010 | Comment

The following blog entry is written by Lyn Twyman. She is a survivor and creator of the www.couragenetwork.com. Couragenetwork.com is a community for domestic violence advocates and organizations with a world-wide goal in mind to draw organizations, advocates and individuals together.

Domestic Violence and Immigration
 
I was 5 years old when I heard one of my parents frequent arguments end with a loud smacking sound.  I had just walked in the front door after the school bus had dropped me off in front of my house from a day at kindergarten to the loud yelling and arguing of my parents, unfortunately something I had grown accustomed to.  If you can imagine my father was well over 6 feet with a loud bellowing voice, my mother just under 5 feet.  With frustration and anger my father struck my mother, leaving a bright red hand mark on the left side of her fair, Asian face.  This was the first time I saw the expression of resentment and hate in my mother’s face for everything that led to that point.  That act of violence shattered the facade that my parents had built up to try to hide the truth from me, that their marriage was a sham and in no way functional.  There were deeply rooted problems within their relationship and after that moment my eyes were wide open to them.  Later I would realize there were great amounts of psychological and emotional abuse in my parent’s relationship that would be directed solely towards me.
 
My father was an American born in the south, a victim of abuse and neglect by an alcoholic father who was void of most emotion, except anger and depression spurred by the bottle.  My mother, the eldest of her siblings, grew up in third-world poverty with an extremely controlling mother.  In 1977, my mother started receiving pen pal letters from my father.  She became enamored with the idea of a man she had never met before, a man who promised to take care of her and give her a better life, more than what she could have ever imagined.  About a year later when my mother was 23, she immigrated to the United States.
 
The man who wrote such beautiful words on paper was not reflective of the man my mother met when she came to the U.S. and in less than a month, the fairy tale was over. The stark realities of the deception, lack of respect and obsession over my mother’s every movement was too much to endure. My mother however, was fearful to leave my father with the domestic violence taking place.  My father, a man ridden with personality disorders, would admit years later that his choice to marry my mother was due to the amount of “submissiveness” women like her had for their husbands and the ability to “teach” them and make them become what he wanted.
 
Unfortunately the story of my parents is not unique. It bares many similarities to the stories of many immigrants who find themselves in relationships where domestic violence is present.  One thing that remains consistent however, as with many instances of domestic violence,  is there is one person that seeks to have control over the other who is thought to be weaker.
 
Women and men have shared with me their personal experiences, and those of other immigrants who were involved in domestic violence relationships that they knew.  I began hearing similarities in the stories:
 
• Victims had little interaction with people other than their partner or lived in complete isolation.
• Victims were eventually embarrassed by their partner regarding their own language and culture.
• Communication decreased over time with their families in their homeland.
• Finances were controlled by the abusive partner.
• The partner threatened to have them deported or have their children taken away from them if they showed signs of fighting back or escaping.
 
So many of these stories also began sounding familiar as I realized my mother had faced the same problems with my own father.
 
Help for Immigrants
 
Immigrants who are dealing with domestic violence face many challenges unlike those around them because of language and culture barriers.  Whether waiting for citizenship or seeking refugee status, immigrant victims of domestic violence do have rights and can get help to protect themselves from abuse.  There are organizations like American Immigration Lawyers Association, The National Immigration Project, The Tahirih Justice Center,  WomensLaw.org and specialty organizations like The Asian Pacific American Legal Resource Center,  that help with direct services or referrals at little or no cost.   It is important that immigrant victims get trained advocates to support and assist them in the proper steps to make themselves and their children safer, whether the abuse is physical or not.  Another good online resource is the following link:  http://www.aardvarc.org/dv/immigration.shtml that talks more in depth about the issue and addresses aspects of the immigration process.  Also the spouses and children of U.S. citizens can self-petition to obtain lawful permanent residency under the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA).  VAWA also allows certain battered immigrants  to seek safety and independence from the abuser by filing for immigration relief without the abuser’s assistance or knowledge .  
 
Domestic violence is wrong, period.  A person’s nationality does not exclude them from the physical and emotional pain that is inflicted from domestic violence.  The best thing we can do as advocates is to remember the warning signs of abuse, stay informed about the issue,  spread awareness and encourage our Federal immigration system to strengthen laws and distribute violence and abuse awareness materials, making them available in multiple languages to each person that comes to their offices and websites. 
 
I am encouraged about the amount of work that has been done with this issue compared to my mother’s time as an immigrant but there is still much work to be done in raising awareness about the problem.  If you see someone who displays signs of being a victim, offer them in confidence the resources they can go to for help.  You will be surprised how far a bit of information and slice of humanity can go to help save a life and lead someone to new found freedom, hope and truly a much better life.

By Lyn Twyman

Changes in Life

Posted: Feb 16, 2010 | Comment

We wanted to share the following personal essay submission opportunity with our blog readers/writers:

You are invited to submit a personal essay for an inspirational anthology: “The Woman I’ve Become.”

Seeking women of all ages who have experienced challenging, negative, toxic and/or abusive relationships in the past and have overcome these situations to become the woman she was meant to be. Were you raised in an overly restrictive, negative, disempowering or abusive family? Did you find yourself in a challenging or toxic relationship with men, friends, co-workers or your children? How did those relationships define the “earlier you”? What was the turning point? Was there some person(s) or event(s) that facilitated your beginning and/or continuing on this journey to greater self understanding and self definition? Who is the woman you’ve become?

Critria for Submission :

Name, age, email address, phone number (optional), mailing address, title of your submission on and a short bio on a title page; your name on all other pages
Minimum of 500 words; Maximum of 1,000 words
Double spaced
Submissions should be sent in an email attachment to grampat8@comcast.net
If you are unable to use attachments, you can either include the submission in the body of the email or snail mail it to:

Changes In Life, Anthology
305 Anne Ct
Prospect Heights, IL 60070

If your submission is accepted you will receive a copy of the anthology once it is published

* If you are interested in joining an ongoing larger community of women sharing their experiences, log on to changesinlife.wordpress.com

Finding ways to make a difference

Posted: Jan 25, 2010 | Comment

The following blog entry is written by Michael Foti, Editor of the Laws.com Legal Network.

Finding way to make a difference

As the Editor of the Laws.com Legal Network, I’m often faced with the challenge of providing interesting, relevant content for our readers.  At the same time, I try to use my position as an outlet to create change and make a difference.  Combining the two can often be challenging, however when it came to domestic violence, it seemed like a match made in heaven.

Initially my goal was to raise awareness on the legalities of domestic violence and the applicable laws. I had my team write numerous articles on these topics but the more research I did, the more I felt compelled to provide additional content.  The fact is, I realized just how overlooked domestic violence is in our society.

This conclusion hit me after we compiled a list of DV statistics.  I was ASTONISHED by the results our research provided.  Here’s a few examples:

1. Over 1/4 of women are raped or sexually assaulted at some point in their life by their partner.
2. More than 50% of women that are killed by a firearm are murdered by their partner.
3. Nearly 1.5 MILLION women are physically assaulted by their partner every single year in the US.
4. Close to 33% of women that are murdered are killed by an intimate partner.

The list goes on and on.  
    
The bottom line is this: Domestic violence is an issue that plagues our society and must be paid the proper attention.  Considering I deal with the law and legal issues each and every day, I think I’m qualified to say that DV is severely under-prosecuted by law enforcement.  Maybe stricter punishment would help deter sexual assault, however there is something we can all do to help: RAISE AWARENESS.  Victims need to be made aware of their options, as well as where they can turn for help.  The amazing thing about all these statistics is that those are the KNOWN accounts, nevermind how many women are attacked or raped and never come forward.  Approximately 18% of women that experience domestic violence do not report it to the authorities.  Chances are, those women were afraid because they were unaware of exactly what type of assistance they could receive..until now.

 Check out Laws.com for a comprehensive list of domestic violence resources, including domestic violence laws and organizations victims can turn to.

By Michael Foti
Laws.com

Domestic violence: medical records can sound an early warning

Posted: Jan 7, 2010 | Comment

The following blog entry is written by Nancy Fliesler. It originally appeared on Thrive, Children’s Hospital Boston’s health and science blog. It is being featured on our blog with permission.

Domestic violence: medical records can sound an early warning

Domestic abuse often goes undiagnosed until too late — yet medical records often contain subtle clues that doctors often lack the time to fathom out. Now, researchers from the Children’s Hospital Informatics Program and Division of Emergency Medicine demonstrate that tapping commonly available electronic health records could help doctors spot abuse early. This display, designed for physicians, pulls a patient’s diagnostic history into one view, sounding an alert when the pattern of visits suggests possible domestic abuse.

Each colored bar above represents a diagnoses recorded in the patient’s chart, grouped by category, during the four years before her abuse diagnosis; the most recent diagnoses are shown at the bottom. The color coding denotes the degree of abuse risk, calculated using data from the study (green, low risk; yellow, medium risk; red, high risk). As indicated by the blue “detect” arrow, the system would have sounded an alert as early as 34 months before domestic abuse was actually diagnosed.

In the future, the researchers hope that their models can detect when a person is at risk for abuse before abuse even occurs. Although the study, published in the British Medical Journal, was done in adults, the plan is to validate the model in children, too, and to develop similar models for conditions that are often missed, like depression and early-stage diabetes. According to Ben Reis, PhD, who led the project, such “intelligent histories” are an important step toward the larger goal of predictive medicine — helping busy physicians not by making diagnoses for them, but by offering a decision support tool that can flag patients who merit specific screening.

by Nancy Fliesler

Marilyn French’s Characters Speak to Me

Posted: Dec 3, 2009 | Comment

The following blog originally appeared on womensmediacenter.com. 

Marilyn French’s Characters Speak to Me

By Kate Murphy

A college senior considers both The Women’s Room and French’s posthumously published novel, The Love Children, from the point of view of her own generation. And the experience clarifies her feminist sensibility.

As I plunged headfirst into The Women’s Room, the most famous novel of the late feminist Marilyn French, I found myself submerged in a foreign world, or so I thought. Beginning in the 1950s, the novel follows Mira Ward through her teenage years, her young marriage, her life as a stay-at-home mother, and her subsequent feminist rebirth during her forties, while a student at Harvard University. Hers was a world where women were second-class citizens; where all that many young women had to look forward to was a life of suburban discontent and servitude. I found it shocking. But at first I just couldn’t relate to it.
 
Flying through the first few chapters, gripped by the grim reality Mira and her friends faced, my perception changed, the way one’s eyes gradually readjust after the room suddenly goes dark. On the last page of Part I of The Women’s Room I realized I was reading a story that was my own, every woman’s. Isolde, a friend of Mira’s, says to her, “I hate discussions of feminism that end up with who does the dishes.” French ends the chapter with, “So do I. But at the end, there are always the damned dishes.”

I don’t know why, but that struck me. Maybe I couldn’t see myself reflected in the exact life experiences of these women on a surface level, but I couldn’t help thinking of what I would do in their places, how I would feel if I were them. Page after page, I found myself shocked, outraged, and terrified at the depth of unhappiness of the “typical American housewife” of the time. Even after Mira left this life—dumped by her husband and forced to pick up the pieces and start anew, she moved to Cambridge to attend Harvard—I still thought of the women she was leaving behind. Women trapped in loveless marriages, with no means to survive on their own; women doomed from the start.

As I continued reading, I found the women who “made it out,” the women whom Mira met at Harvard, still experienced unhappiness, emptiness, rape, rage, alcoholism, and adultery. But somehow, they fared better. The difference, and it was no small thing, was that these women recognized themselves, and one another, as women at their core, as burgeoning feminists. They formed a community. They shared in each other’s every experience, not on a superficial neighborhood-acquaintance level, as Mira’s friends before had, but on an existential level.

Doing Right by Queers Dealing with Violence

Posted: Nov 11, 2009 | Comment

My roommates Chuy and Ramón used to laugh whenever any one of us played the soundtrack from the movie Car Wash on the stereo that belonged to Ramón. We would cackle at the story Ramón told of the how the stereo came into his life. It always began with Ramón saying, “Dallas hated that album! Girl, I’ve had to buy that thing a few times!”

Ramón told how the first album met its demise as the three of us sat in our tiny living room swatting at mosquitoes, trying to keep the Texas heat at bay. Dallas, Ramón’s ex-boyfriend, smashed it in a fit of rage.

“I put on the album, turned up the volume and told him to go ahead and shoot; I was tired of all of his drama,” continued Ramón, swishing his drink in one hand and putting the cigarette to his mouth with the other. “He had that gun in his hand and just before he pulled the trigger, he aimed at the stereo that was right behind me,” said Ramón, the laughter making him throw his head back. With the apology that followed, Dallas bought Ramón a new stereo. The guilt stereo we called it.

We laughed every time we heard the story. We should have been horrified that Ramón had almost been killed, but all we could do was laugh.

This was in the early 1980s. I had just come out as a lesbian and found myself living with two gay Chicano activists. We railed against military intervention in Central and South America, embarked on Cuban solidarity trips, and went on to help organize the Austin Latino/a Lesbian Gay Organization. But we never gave the violence that we saw happening in our relationships a second thought. Like the violence aimed at us for being queer, it was just something we managed.

I’ve been out and actively involved in queer movements for liberation for nearly thirty years; I’ve met a LOT of people. Only a handful have not had to manage violence at the hands of an intimate partner; several fought back tooth and nail; and some went on to hurt subsequent partners. A large number came close to losing their lives. Few have talked about their experience. Not one called a domestic violence program, queer where it was available or otherwise, to ask for help.

I am not a researcher; I have no quantifiable and verifiable data to point to as I think about advocacy on behalf of folks who identify as queer, questioning, trans, bi, lesbian, intersex, or gay. There are very few studies or surveys to document these realities.

The only thing I have to work with is my own heart-breaking experience of supporting people I’ve dated or the friends who I call family as they manage the effects of that violence—in the brand of isolation that surviving anti-queer violence breeds. In short, I can only speak for myself.

I was an advocate for over seven years on the National Hotline. I love and deeply appreciate my fellow advocates on the Hotline and at programs around the country; they are my greatest teachers and supporters. Domestic violence programs do outstanding work against tremendous odds. I know that if I were ever to become involved in an abusive relationship, I would not seek help through a domestic violence program, queer or otherwise as my first step. In that regard, I am no different from the majority of the 20,000 callers to the Hotline.

I would likely call my family first, camp out in their homes with my dogs, and burn up my advocate friend’s cell phone minutes.

When I did call for help, I would want the advocate to have an understanding of the ‘flavor’ and context of violence I would be experiencing as a lesbian.

The Northwest Network of Bi, Trans, Lesbian and Gay Survivors of Abuse does an excellent job of explaining those dynamics beyond the power and control wheel so many advocates are now used to. The information can be found at nwnetwork.org.

Communities United Against Violence shaped their program around an analysis of violence that accounts for the complexities of living in a violent society. Their analysis can be found at cuav.org.

I would want to understand some of my basic legal rights, including whether or not I would be eligible for a protective order. The National Coalition of Anti-Violence Projects has analyzed state statutes; though dated, this information would still be helpful:

I would want the advocate to put a check on their own feelings about lesbians and the rest of us queers. This recent article written by a fundamentalist Christian was eye-opening even to me, and like I said, I’ve been around for a while!

Lastly, I would want that advocate to understand their own experience of bearing witness to trauma. I would want them to be completely present for me. I would need them to be well-rested, well-nourished and self-aware. This book on Trauma Stewardship is a good, thoughtful resource.

I felt a dozen hands on my back as I wrote this blog entry; I am indebted to the people who shaped my perspective by sharing their stories with me. I heard their laughter, their sighs, or the whispered remnants of their stories as I typed. To those, like Ramón, who are no longer alive, I say, “que en paz descansen.” To those, whose hands I still hold and whose stories I am still learning, I say, “milésimas gracias.”

By Lucha

No One Is A Stereotype: How Survivors Inspire Each Other

Posted: Oct 16, 2009 | Comment

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir of domestic violence. She is also a member of the National Domestic Violence Hotline Celebrity Board. In honor of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, she has the the following words of inspiration to share with all of you:

In Crazy Love, my memoir about domestic violence, I wrote:

For a long time after I left Conor, I struggled with how I fit our society’s stereotype of an abused woman. Exactly why and how had I lost myself to a man who I was intelligent enough to see was destroying me? I kept silent during cocktail party debates about why women stayed in violent relationships. I walked away after the inevitable pronouncement that women who let themselves be abused are weak, uneducated, self-destructive, powerless. I fit none of these stereotypes. I never met a battered woman who did.

Since Crazy Love was published and a YouTube video was posted last March, I’ve gotten hundreds of emails from readers. A grandmother who left her abuser 47 years ago. Several teenaged girls, one who writes me every week about how hard it has been to leave her boyfriend and see him with other girls. Ivy League graduates. Eloquent, effusive writers. Readers who have trouble spelling and typing properly – but have no trouble telling their story. International diplomats. Doctors’ wives – and doctors. Gay men abused by their partners. Straight men abused by their wives. Husbands seeking to understand their wives’ prior experiences with abuse. Police officers. Therapists.

I have yet to get an email from a stereotype. Because they don’t exist. We survivors may have a lot in common, but none of us is a stereotype. Stereotypes can be used to demean, blame and marginalize victims. The only stereotype worth promulgating pertains to the pattern of abuse – not the faces, ages, income levels or ethnicities of victims. The New Jersey-based Rachel Coalition offers an excellent brochure outlining victims’ legal rights, and they use the following stereotype to define abuse:

Domestic violence is the physical, emotional, psychological, and/or sexual abuse of one person by another with whom there is a relationship. Abusers use violence and threats of violence to gain power and control over their partners. Violence is never appropriate. Domestic violence can range from verbal harassment to homicide.

Now that is a stereotype I can embrace.

I love it when I open my email screen and discover another note from a stranger whom I know is also a friend. The headlines often read something like “You Told My Story” or “Now I Don’t Feel Ashamed or Alone.” The emails are never short. Usually, they read like a book themselves, or at least a wonderfully long telephone conversation between old friends. When people give permission, I share their stories on my website as part of The Crazy Love Project, which is dedicated to connecting and empowering survivors.

Abuse – and stereotypes – thrive only in silence and ignorance. Fellow abuse survivors inspire me, tell my story back to me, and reassure me that I have no reason to feel ashamed or alone. Most of all, you make me feel like I’m a person, not a stereotype. Thank you to everyone who has heard my story – and told me yours.

The Pledge

Posted: Oct 1, 2009 | Comment

“Become Inspired—you never know when someone will become inspired by your courage to make a difference.”

In recognition of Domestic Violence Awareness Month, I would like to honor the amazing life-saving work being done on behalf of women, teens, children and men who are experiencing violence in their relationships. All across the nation domestic violence advocates, volunteers, friends, families, co-workers, and individuals are extending their hearts and hands to help those in extraordinarily dangerous circumstances from someone who claims to love them. I continue to be inspired by the dedication and commitment to end violence in our communities.

I am writing this piece to encourage all of you to find your passion and inspiration! To encourage you to use it to keep making a difference in the world. Many are called to make a difference as I am in my daily work but I had help getting here. Her name is Rochelle and she is my sister. Rochelle has been my inspiration working to end violence against women for the last 25 years. Rochelle (pictured second from the left with sisters Chris, Laurie and myself) has overcome many obstacles, an abusive marriage for eight years, which at its most violent she once felt like taking her own life to get free of the situation. She endured economic poverty which had her working three jobs as a result of her husband’s choice to drag her through an extended legal battle and bankruptcy, all the while being a wonderful mother to a young daughter. She is a self confident, smart, amazing woman who has developed into the most perfect monarch. She went through the metamorphosis from victim to survivor to the whole beautiful woman she was and is meant to be. Her triumph over this tragedy continues to be my inspiration when I am tired or feel weary. My most proud moment was when she spoke of her personal story for the first time at the White House reception upon the 10th Anniversary of the National Domestic Violence Hotline. It took courage to leave her desperate situation then and she has pushed through her own challenges to now be courageous in helping other women in shelters and in her workplace to believe in their dreams and to reach their goals. I continue to be grateful for her being alive today to share her story with others and be my muse. I love you Rochelle, and I, like my other sisters, continue our pledge to end violence against women.

If someone inspires you, consider making a donation in their honor

Join me in sharing your story of inspiration

Join our online community working to end violence

Follow us on Twitter or add us on Facebook

Peace,

Sheryl Cates
Chief Executive Officer
National Domestic Violence Hotline

Crime Victims Board finally acknowledging Domestic Violence Victims in New York State

Posted: Sep 23, 2009 | Comment

The following entry is written by Maria Phelps.  Maria is a survivor and blogger. She uses her website http://4survivors.blogspot.com/  to share her personal experience with DV, address current DV issues and advocate for victims’ rights.

Crime Victims Board finally acknowledging Domestic Violence Victims in New York State

There is good news for domestic violence victims in the state of New York filing claims with Crime Victims Board (CVB), a state program that compensates victims of crime. After making one complaint after another, and suggesting the CVB open up a specialized DV unit to handle DV claims, I was given information today suggesting that CVB may actually address the concerns I have raised for all DV victims. As per the Director of Rockland Family Shelter, “Commissioner Stanford also shared that she has convened a meeting with board members, council and medical staff about your case and to address the concerns that you have raised facing victims of domestic violence obtaining the necessary documentation to receive benefits”.

After spending half the year fulfilling CVB’s requests, some requests have been ridiculous and impossible to obtain, I find myself at a point where I can no longer obtain certain bits of information from doctors for my claim. Most recently, when CVB requested I get a physician’s statement from my orthopedic surgeon stating 100% of my injury was due to abuse, my hands were tied and my claim was put on hold. As I explained to the Senator’s office, many victims of DV do not report the abuse to medical staff, doctors, or even police out of fear. In my case, I will never be able to obtain a physician’s statement from my doctors claiming that my husband broke my leg, because at the time I was in fear of my life and in the constant presence of my abuser. The best statement I have from one of my physicians is “patient broke left leg while at home with husband”….this is not cutting it. For many victims of DV, there are documents that we simply cannot obtain due to the circumstances and it is unjust for CVB to deny, put on hold, or string DV victims around with impossible requests.

If you are a victim of domestic violence and have a claim with the CVB in your state, please make sure you bring any impossible requests to their attention. This is an issue that needs to be addressed on a national level with all Crime Victims Programs across the country, not just in NY–although I’m glad CVB is starting to take some action in NY. Programs for victims need to take into account the fact that domestic violence is a highly complex crime, and victims don’t always report or have complete files/documentation due to their unique situations. As for CVB, this meeting with the staff will be a move in the right direction, but in the near future, there needs to be a specialized DV unit working on these specific claims, making sure that no victim falls through the cracks of the system.

By Maria Phelps

Rihanna/Chris Brown: Ending Violence Against Women and Girls

Posted: Sep 4, 2009 | Comment

The following blog entry was written by Kevin Powell who is a writer, activist, and author or editor of nine books. His 10th book, Open Letters To America, will be published in October 2009. Open Letters To America includes the essay “Open Letter to An American Woman,” a long meditation on domestic violence, female resiliency in the face of sexism and marginalization, and women’s leadership. A native of Jersey City, NJ, Kevin is a long-time resident of Brooklyn, NY, where he ran for Congress in 2008. He can be reached at contact@kevinpowell.net, or you can visit his website, www.kevinpowell.net

Rihanna/Chris Brown: Ending Violence Against Women and Girls (The Remix)

Writer’s note:
Given all the hype and controversy around Chris Brown’s beating of Rihanna, I feel compelled to post this essay I originally wrote in late 2007, so that some of us can have an honest jump off point to discuss male violence against females, to discuss the need for ownership of past pains and traumas, to discuss the critical importance of therapy and healing. Let us pray for Rihanna, first and foremost, because no one deserves to be beaten, or beaten up. No one. And let us also pray that Chris Brown gets the help he needs by way of long-term counseling and alternative definitions of manhood rooted in nonviolence, real love, and, alas, real peace. And let us not forget that Rihanna and Chris Brown happen to be major pop stars, hence all the media coverage, blogs, etc. Violence against women and girls happen every single day on this planet without any notice from most of us. Until we begin to address that hard fact, until we all, males and females alike, make a commitment to ending the conditions that create that destructive behavior in the first place, it will not end any time soon. There will be more Rihannas and more Chris Browns.

In my recent travels and political and community work and speeches around the country, it became so very obvious that many American males are unaware of the monumental problems of domestic violence and sexual assault, against women and girls, in our nation. This seems as good a time as any to address this urgent and overlooked issue. Why is it that so few of us actually think about violence against women and girls, or think that it’s our problem? Why do we go on believing it’s all good, even as our sisters, our mothers, and our daughters suffer and a growing number of us participate in the brutality of berating, beating, or killing our female counterparts?

All you have to do is scan the local newspapers or ask the right questions of your circle of friends, neighbors, or co-workers on a regular basis, and you’ll see and hear similar stories coming up again and again. There’s the horribly tragic case of Megan Williams, a 20-year-old West Virginia woman, who was kidnapped for several days. The woman’s captors forced her to eat rat droppings, choked her with a cable cord and stabbed her in the leg while calling her, a Black female, a racial slur, according to criminal complaints. They also poured hot water over her, made her drink from a toilet, and beat and sexually assaulted her during a span of about a week, the documents say. There’s the woman I knew, in Atlanta, Georgia, whose enraged husband pummeled her at home, stalked her at work and, finally, in a fit of fury, stabbed her to death as her six-year-old son watched in horror. There’s the woman from Minnesota, who showed up at a national male conference I organized a few months back with her two sons. She had heard about the conference through the media, and was essentially using the conference as a safe space away from her husband of fifteen years who, she said, savagely assaulted her throughout the entire marriage. The beatings were so bad, she said, both in front of her two boys and when she was alone with her husband that she had come to believe it was just a matter of time before her husband would end her life. She came to the conference out of desperation, because she felt all her pleas for help had fallen on deaf ears. (more…)